Monday, 18 May 2009

Don' Shit Your Pants Review

Once every now and then a game comes along that redefines how you see the world; values are questioned and attitudes re-aligned. In games like this barriers are broken down, bridges are built and we as the gamers are united, in what can be almost be described as a spiritual appreciation of true art. However... Don't shit your pants is not one of these games. Don't shit your pants is a game in which your goal is quite literally to avoid defecating in your undergarments.

The unglamorous but functional menu screen to Don't shit your pants

Now some of you may be saying to yourselves
"I spend most days managing to avoid shitting in my pants. How could this possibly be a challenge?"
To those cynics I say
"Hey... cynics. Stop being cynical you cynical, cynical people. Give me a minute and I'll tell you how it can be a challenge to not poo yourself".

One important difference between Don't shit your pants and real life non-shitting is the control interface. Normally when you want to not shit yourself it's simply a matter of thinking "I need a poo now", initiating a stimulus of your motor neuron pathways, waiting for the signal to reach your legs, traveling to to the toilet via this process, initiating a stimulus of your motor neuron pathways, waiting for the signal to reach your arms and hands, removing pants (this may be more tricky if belts or zippers are involved), sending another electrical impulse, placing your posterior on the toilet seat and letting rip (This entire process can be considerably more difficult if you lack working arms or legs, or alternatively are not in proximity to a toilet). Note: Most of the steps listed above have been greatly simplified by our advanced level of evolution, whereby an abstract thought can be converted into a physical stimulus with virtually no effort. Compare this to the control interface in Don't shit your pants. You are incapable of any thought whatsoever so you require external stimulus in order to complete any action. Unfortunately the only stimulus available is a typeface at the other end of a series of wires. Worse still, you are easily confused by commands and can only respond to the simplest of requests. You have no lateral thinking reflex so if say you were asked to push when you were say, required to pull you would not be able to comply in any helpful manner. You have developed a very upset stomach meaning that you are working to a strict 40 second time frame, if the gamer assigned to help you through your struggle is a slow typist it's almost certainly brown trousers time. All things considered, it's a lot easier to avoid crapping yourself in the real world.

note: The crown is reserved for only experienced shitters

As a gamer I am used to controlling my in game avatar with the directional thumbsticks or indeed with a mouse and the W,A,S and D keys, so I must admit that at first, I found the typing element a little jarring. However once I'd adjusted to this new way of approaching in game control I found it to be a refreshing change from the norm. Unfortunately I often found that the game wasn't programmed to react to the scenario I'd created with it often giving messages such as "I don't know how to set us up the bomb" or "I don't know how to become a political activist, engage with the disenfranchised public on a crippling tax policy, win their trust on emotional issues, run for prime minister, get elected, develop a stock hold of nuclear weapons, go into hiding in an underwater base in the mid pacific, nuke America and China making it look like each had attacked the other, stay under ground as the nuclear holocaust ensues, emerge from hiding once radiation has reached safe levels in order to re-unite the scattered remnants of a broken humanity, become supreme emperor of the world and lead the world into a new era of peace and prosperity". needless to say that as a result of this I found my imagination was considerably stifled.

Sometimes in life you just can't avoid depositing waste in your leg receptacles

Fortunately Don't shit your pants makes up for these shortcomings in a number of ways. Firstly I'd like to point out how absolutely stunning the graphics are; not only is the game in full 3D perspective, all of the in game textures are crisp and the main character is well defined (at no point becoming indistinguishable from the surroundings or crowds of generic enemies). The in game sound is equally impressive with more than four midi sounds present in the games sound scape. The game has ten different endings, none of which feel cheap or tacked for no reason. Each ending will leave you fully satisfied but equally curious about what other vistas can be discovered. On top of all this there are also ten achievements to be discovered each of which will bring a smile to your face. There are also two costumes in the game, the second costume being unlocked after full completion.

Some gamers try to avoid the inevitable by hiding behind a wall of questions

So what can we conclude about Don't shit your pants? Is it worth pissing away your time on a game about shitting? Well in this game reviewers humble opinion... yes it is. It may not strictly speaking contain much of a narrative or indeed gameplay; but these features have become overrated in recent years pushing aside equally valuable game elements such as confusion, disorientation and frustration. I would argue that many of us have forgotten what it is to be a true gamer. Gone are the days when we would spend hours looking for keys because all of the rooms looked the same and the doors had the same texture as the walls. Gone are the days when in absence of a feasible solution to a puzzle we turned off our computers, climbed into the fetal position and cried onto the lino flooring for two hours. Gone are the days where we tried to masturbate over a pair of 8-bit breasts instead of going down to the off license and buying a porn mag because someone might see you. It's truly sad that these days have come to an end. I'm glad that Don't shit your pants has tried to right this collective wrong and return us to the glory days. One hopes that this is just the beginning of a whole new retro-revolution where the focus is no longer on gameplay, story or high end graphics but instead humour, charm and all round fun. Don't shit your pants may have a few drawbacks but all the same, it's hard not to recommend. This game is a shit load of fun and as such I suggest that everyone should try Don't shit your pants.

Thumbs Up!

Don't shit your pants is available for free at a number of online flash game websites for free. I've pasted a link to just one of the plethora of hosting sites below.


  1. Awesome duddde.

    I shit my pants reading this.

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